4 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE September 10, 1999
Joy B. Savren
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How do I meet a gal who'll love me, both preand post-op?
by M.T. "the Big Tipper” Martone Dear Big Tipper,
Let me just say that others may be confused about my sexuality, but I definitely am not. I know exactly who I am, what I am, and what I want.
""
I consider myself to be a “male lesbian, ' a gay woman trapped in a straight man's body. Before you wad this letter up and throw it away, let me tell you how serious and sincere I am. I know that a lot
of lesbians have heard this before from men who are turned on by lesbians and who use the "male lesbian" phrase as a pick-up line hoping to have a threesome.
Here's where I'm different. I have known all of my life that I want to be female. I am at this point physically male and I've always lived as a man.
Over the past eight years I
have been taking steps toward having a sex change. I have
been crossdressing more often, and going out in public as a woman. I did struggle for a while with the thought that I must be gay because I wanted to dress this way and be a girl, but I realized I'm not attracted to men at all. I love women and I want to be a woman. I have come out of the closet to almost all of my friends over the past two years.
Here's the problem: One reason I stayed in the closet for so long is because I didn't think I could ever find someone who would take me seriously, or love me and accept me for who I truly believe I am on the inside.
Eight years ago I did find someone, and we got married. We were always very close, and I felt comfortable telling her anything. I shared with her my desire to be a woman, something I had never told anyone else. She soon told me that she loves women, and that when she looked at me, she saw a woman.
She supported me 100% and was ready to stand by me for life. I then began to see psychiatrists and started the process of becoming a woman. It felt great to have the woman I loved accepting me for who I was inside, and for who I want to be outside as well.
Last year we divorced due to some other problems, mostly financial. She and I are still good friends, but I am worried about finding someone in the future who will accept me as unconditionally as she did. I have dated since the divorce, and have been open about my transsexualism with my dates. I have found out some interesting things:
1. Lesbians want girlfriends who were born female.
2. Bisexual girls want girls who were born female and guys who were born male.
3. Many straight women are extremely turned on by crossdressers and absolutely love it when you make love to them dressed as a woman, but they will tell you that they won't want to be with you intimately once you become female.
4. The rest of the straight women will admit that they've always wanted to make love to another woman, but they want it to be a "real" woman who was born female.
RELAX
Hot Tub Paol
5. And then there is one'girl who I think is waiting until after I have surgery to make a
move on me.
I want someone who will love me and accept me for who I am both before and after. for who I am and who I will be. The same way my ex-wife loved me for me. She was very special and an unusual find.
I can understand other women's points of view on transsexuals because I also prefer girls who were born girls. Even in some of the most beautiful male-to-female transsexu-
BIG TIPS
als you can still detect nuances that give away the fact that they were once men. I have met many transsexuals, some very beautiful, but I've only been attracted to one or two of them.
I know it makes me sound hypocritical, but if a transsexual wasn't so absolutely beautiful and feminine that she never gave any sign that she was ever a man in the past, the I just could not get turned on. And I admit, I am
not the most passable TS, either. I know that I will find someone, but in my position, I know it's going to be a tougher search.
I've tried personal ads. I love sex, but am not promiscuous. I want a real relationship with one special lady. Where and how do I meet a girlfriend who will love me preand post-op?
Dear Long Tall Sally,
Lonely Femme
I think you just need some dating tips. 1. I don't think you're totally over your ex yet. Stop holding up new prospects to the memory of that relationship. She was special and incomparable, and new dates do not dig ex-wife chat.
2. You need to have a pretty big sampling to make sure your statistical results are accurate. Have you dated at least 100 straight women, 100 bisexual women, and 100 lesbians? (You have? Wow!) If not, I'm guessing there are some mavericks out there who might just be warm for your form.
3. Everyone has their turn-ons and turnoffs, inexplicable as they may be, but we also have preconceived notions about types that can keep us from seeing the attractiveness of diamonds in the rough.
You mention beauty and femininity quite a bit, and while those can be lovely assets in the right woman, they don't make someone the right woman. You already know that what's on the inside can be incredible and mysterious. You might also consider setting your standards at a level at which you yourself could qualify.
4. It sounds like you have lots of dates. Just keep going on them. And maybe you'll get a call from that woman who's waiting for your operation, eh?
Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.
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